Chapter Twenty-One: Healthy Sexual Activity

Sexuality and its two fundamental categories, woman and man, which give rise to numerous other designations such as father and mother, husband and wife, daughter, son, child, aunt, uncle, and so forth, represent two intrinsic qualities, not merely conventional ones. Consequently, each engenders distinct, authentic effects on an individual’s character, setting them apart from the other. If these two categories and their derivative designations are not appropriately formed within an individual, they lead to psychological disorders and imbalances.

Sexual relations, intimacy, and union through mutual selection for companionship and pleasure—extending to love and unity until achieving the station of bodiless oneness—are integral to life, encompassing intimacy, pleasure, connection, proximity, love, and unity. Furthermore, birth, vitality, and the sustained activity of brain cells can be influenced by physical exercise and sexual activity, although successful learning, diligent effort, and mental practice enhance their longevity.

Mere physical capability is not sufficient to fulfill one’s own sexual needs or those of a partner; rather, healthy sexual activity requires awareness, knowledge, fortitude, love, and faith. In a family where the man embodies dignity, nobility, authority, and strength, its members experience tranquility and perceive in him a true embodiment of manhood. Such a family’s members become courageous and fearless.

An individual lacking desire, passion, or inclination toward their complementary gender or healthy sexual activity succumbs to delusions, obsessions, rigidity, dryness, and afflictions such as constipation and digestive difficulties.

Healthy, holistic sexual relations, akin to physical exercise, can enhance satisfaction with mental health, elevate levels of trust, intimacy, and love in human relationships, reduce stress and anxiety, and foster joy. Psychological and sexual health studies confirm that healthy sexual activity, imbued with love and intimacy, contributes to mental well-being and stress reduction.

A Manly Man and a Womanly Woman

For a woman to embody femininity and a man to embody masculinity, each must possess their authentic gender identity in a robust and healthy manner. There are many men with feminine dispositions and many women with masculine traits, rendering the opposite gender unable to complement them. The role of gender identity in the stability of marital relationships has been examined in social psychology and family studies.

An individual with persistent, non-imposed dissatisfaction with their gender may possess a feminine nature in a masculine form or a masculine nature in a feminine form. Psychologically, a man and woman can sustain a stable marital life only if their femininity and masculinity remain steadfast, neither deviating from their respective roles nor losing their defining traits. Otherwise, to the extent that they drift from their femininity or masculinity and their unique gender roles, they will experience conflict and discord. In such cases, the woman does not embody femininity for the man, leaving him longing for a wife who fulfills that role, while the woman yearns for a man who embodies masculinity and its attributes.

The criterion for femininity or masculinity is not solely the appearance of reproductive organs; rather, dominant bodily inclinations determine gender. Gender is a relative, percentage-based matter with a predominant aspect. One should not superficially focus only on the body’s outward form or apparent gender, neglecting the inner gender essence, which may predominantly align with the opposite sex. For instance, the softness and delicacy of a woman’s hair signify her feminine traits, while coarse, rough, and thick hair indicate masculine traits in a man. Additionally, a woman’s beauty lies in her refinement, dignity, nobility, and measured speech.

The innate disposition of a woman is complex, refined, diverse, and patient, capable of concealing anything to live harmoniously and securely. It is the man who quickly becomes unsettled and loses control, whereas a woman, under a man’s pressures or abuses, may inwardly harbor resentment toward him yet remain silent and show no outward reaction. A woman is profoundly secretive and enigmatic.

A woman is prone to self-display, employing suitable adornments for each occasion to showcase her perfection or pride. She tends to exaggerate and flaunt what she lacks, and such ostentation reveals her inner unrest. A wise and authoritative man is one who brings balance, tranquility, and peace to his wife.

The regrettable rise in the criminal practice of homosexuality, particularly among girls and women, strips them of their gender identity, undermining both a woman’s femininity and a man’s masculinity, gradually altering their gender to the point that they no longer derive pleasure from their natural complementary gender, experiencing repulsion instead. Consequently, they become unable to sustain healthy marriage, love, or family life.

An unhealthy body can be a source of sexual weaknesses and incapacities. Sexual activity thrives in a robust, loving structure within a healthy body. A weak, unhealthy body is prone to tremors, memory loss, involuntary urination, and premature ejaculation.

Feminine Vitality and Joy

Among women, a healthy woman is one who radiates vitality and joy. A woman who is truly feminine strives to maintain freshness and vivacity. If she possesses feminine vitality, she prioritizes her outward appearance, taking pride in adornments, ornaments, and embellishments.

A woman who is vibrant and has matured healthily cannot live without a man. Life without a man is, for her, a state of despondency. A woman’s primary need in life is love, and it is essential for her to cherish a man of virtues, involving him in all aspects of her life without barriers or secrets, recognizing him as a reliable refuge and a steadfast source of security and tranquility. It is the man’s virtues that naturally make a woman devoted and exclusive to him, not coercive or domineering restrictions imposed by the man.

Healthy women who value their vitality dislike aging, and advancing age causes them distress, unlike men who embrace aging and take pride in their advancing years.

Menstruation and Sensitivity

Before menstruation, a woman’s subconscious is attuned to it, leading to an irritable and aggressive disposition. During this time, her husband should be mindful of the approaching menstrual period, attributing her irritability and sensitivity to natural bodily processes, and treat her with respect and gentleness.

Menstrual discomfort can be alleviated through the consumption of fennel tea and rest during menstruation, which help improve mood. Fennel tea and rest reduce inflammation and stress, thereby soothing menstrual pain.

Ability to Dance

One of the factors contributing to a woman’s vitality and a sign of her joy is her ability to dance. A woman skilled in dance seeks to display the grace and beauty of her body’s movements. Dance is an endeavor to express freedom and showcase qualities inherent in everyone. Dance has numerous forms, some of which have medicinal and therapeutic benefits, akin to music therapy.

In dance therapy, many forms of arthritis are treated through dance. In physiotherapy, certain rhythmic movements are recommended. A careful examination of the human skeleton and bone structure reveals that it can only remain healthy through rhythmic movements akin to dance.

Dance reveals the beauty, subtleties, delicacies, and wonders of the female body’s creation, inviting the husband to explore its hidden mysteries and astonishing intricacies through its infinite graceful curves and motions. With its rhythmic rises and falls, dance conveys intoxication, love, fervor, passion, zeal, and the heart’s enigmas, purging impurity, despair, fear, rigidity, and lethargy from the depths of the soul, creating a transparent foundation for cherished memories. Gentle dance expresses love, while elongated, intricate movements convey coquetry.

A woman who is truly feminine is adept at gentle rhythmic movements, deriving greater energy and mental health from them. Gentle rhythmic movements stimulate endorphin release, enhancing energy and mood.

Music and Vitality

Regarding the use of invigorating elements like music, musical modes consist of systems, each with beautiful melodic corners. These corners are highly diverse, exceeding a hundred in number. Every skilled and professional singer can have a distinct style. For example, Mr. Golpa (Akbar Golpayegani) excels in the Shur mode, or Mr. Iraj in the Bayat Tork mode, with its soft angles and a full six-tone voice. The late master, who considered himself the dust beneath the feet of the Iranian people, Mr. Shajarian, despite lacking a high-pitched voice, created celestial and enduring melodies due to his exceptional musical mastery.

The choice of musical mode and corner by a musician can sometimes even foreshadow their future destiny, as the composed melody may stem from their subconscious, which is aware of future events, manifesting in their conscious mind through music. Music thus becomes a prophetic language, akin to a cautionary dream.

Music, with its modes, corners, and singing styles, has varied effects on individuals. Each musical mode impacts the body and psyche differently, much like medicines with distinct therapeutic effects. Certain modes soften individuals, making them gentle, kind, refined, calm, sociable, and less aggressive, reducing violence and hostility. Respect, charity, and support for the underprivileged are notably prevalent among musicians.

The Chahargah or Bayat Tork modes are suitable for young people, but prolonged exposure to these modes can induce stress in children, instilling fear and potentially causing sleep disturbances, leading to sudden, agitated awakenings. Excessive use of these modes can even provoke aggression in youths. Continuous exposure to the Bayat Tork mode can make children violent and aggressive. Conversely, the Esfahan, Homayoun, Afshari rhythms, and Saqi-Nameh modes lull children into peaceful, enjoyable sleep without harm, serving as soothing and calming influences that induce drowsiness.

Even brief exposure to the Esfahan mode can soften an individual to the extent that they might readily forgive someone who harmed their father, forgoing retribution. Music is not a universal sustenance but should be treated like a medicine or spice, such as saffron or garlic, neither to be overused nor entirely avoided, as both extremes lead to psychological disorders. Improper or excessive music consumption weakens and destabilizes willpower, while complete abstinence renders an individual rigid, dry, and constricted.

Continuous Intimacy with the Spouse

One of the strengths of a man’s leadership is consistently seeking intimacy with his wife. If a woman feels her husband does not desire her, no matter how splendid the material aspects of their home, it holds no value for her, transforming a palace into a hovel devoid of a true man. This creates distance and a rift between them. Yet, a woman cannot detach from her femininity, which may lead her to seek other men.

Embracing Coquetry and Affection

A woman dominated by masculine traits cannot be satisfied or persuaded by indulging her coquetry and affection. During intimacy, such a woman derives no pleasure from certain acts, unlike a woman with prevailing feminine traits, who may even find pleasure in mild discomfort caused by her husband during intimacy.

Simplicity

A woman who is truly feminine and embodies femininity is characterized by simplicity, taking all jests seriously and using them as grounds for complaints. One should avoid saying anything in jest to a wife that might cause her distress. Women are particularly sensitive to jests where a man, even playfully, gives greater importance to another woman. In such cases, the wife loses trust in her husband and may create pretexts to test his loyalty and commitment to her.

If a woman loses trust in her husband, she may turn to strangers to satisfy her desires, believing that a faithful stranger is akin to her own kin.

The Foundation of Feminine Love and Resilience

Women who remain true to their femininity and gender identity provide steadfast support to men through their love and affection. Women exhibit greater resilience than men, capable of raising children without a husband, whereas a man, even briefly, cannot care for children or himself without a wife.

Men, facing various societal hardships and challenges, become highly vulnerable, and only a woman can console him and mitigate his susceptibility. Regardless of his status or identity, a man perceives himself as needing a woman and, despite his pride and ambition, humbles himself before her. Given this need, a virtuous and pure woman is the only force capable of gradually resolving all of a man’s problems, providing the strongest incentive for marrying righteous, noble, and attractive women.

Conversely, an impure, unfaithful, or deceitful woman, with her propensity for secrecy, deception, and cunning, can exploit a man’s problems to precipitate his ruin or failure.

A man’s wholeness and the foundation of his life lie in his wife. The woman is life itself, while a child is the fruit of a man’s life, not life itself. A woman is defined by her husband’s support. If a woman attacks her husband, tarnishing his reputation or dignity before others, she undermines her own foundation and strikes at her own refuge. A woman perceives her completeness through her husband’s existence.

Conversely, a woman should be regarded as a component that perfects a man’s existence. Thus, neither man nor woman is independent of the other. In their shared life, neither the woman, the man, nor the child is paramount; rather, as previously noted, the essence lies in the authentic spiritual union of these individuals, which constitutes the family.

The Complementary Gender

If a woman and man are truly feminine and masculine, they harmonize and complement each other, neither being principal nor subordinate. Among spouses, the family is the essence, the fulfillment of life. A woman and man are complementary, and the term “zوجیت” (pairing) denotes their harmonious, perfecting unity. A couple with true pairing completes each other, neither feeling lack or deficiency in the other’s presence. Such spouses, experiencing perfection, vitality, fulfillment, and satisfaction, see only each other, their eyes and hearts satiated with the health and beauty of their bodies, the kindness and respect in their conduct, the purity and intoxication of their inner love, and the joy and delight of their sacred bond that draws them closer to God. This is the framework and essence of a paradisiacal family.

Noble Forgiveness and Masculine Authority

Both woman and man are human, prone to error, and if one makes a mistake, they should treat each other with nobility and magnanimity, exercising mutual tolerance. Despite a woman’s secrecy and her role as her husband’s closest confidante, in the slightest quarrel, she may throw his flaws and weaknesses in his face. Thus, a man must distribute his flexibility and adaptability within the family, maintaining gentle speech and eschewing sharpness or harshness. To infuse hope, empowerment, vitality, and joy into the family, he must, with chivalry, internalize harmful problems and refrain from sharing damaging issues with his wife, lest he distress or grieve her.

Moreover, a man should not act in a way that provokes a woman’s feminine emotions, leading her to manipulate or deceitfully attempt to dominate or control him, thereby undermining his authority. If a man cannot maintain authority and manage the household’s major affairs decisively, others may become greedy for dominance and selfishness, severing the bond of spiritual unity and the foundation of their shared life—the family. Family members may constantly demand more, and with limited financial resources, if the man cannot manage and satisfy each member with authority, all become greedy and excessive, making avarice a family habit. Such a household, though its members remain together, suffers emotional dissolution and psychological disorders.

Sexual Skills Education

In educating about sexual skills, one should neither indulge in misplaced or inappropriate modesty, sinking into the mire of ignorance and neglecting sexual knowledge and skills under the pretext of shame, nor promote licentiousness under the guise of education, which is sheer misguidance. Economic cartels, seeking greater profits, have set traps of sexual promiscuity, transforming marriage and love into commercialized sex, prostitution, and the disease of debauchery.

Desire and sexual activity are a lower manifestation of love. When love descends to a material, earthly form, it appears as desire. Desire and sexual activity may remain unelevated, devoid of love. If a couple, united in marriage, part after climax, becoming estranged without continued closeness, kisses, laughter, pleasure, or intimacy, they experience desire without love—a greedy, lustful indulgence. In contrast, a lover, even after climax, embraces their partner, continues with kisses, and remains joyful and fulfilled.

Desire without love lacks fulfillment or satisfaction, driving individuals to pursue pleasure through any means, yet finding no solace or tranquility.

The Path of Chastity

Chastity is a fundamental principle of self-care. Clothing and marriage serve to establish, preserve, and elevate chastity. Preserving a man’s masculinity, a woman’s femininity, and their gender identity depends on upholding chastity. The importance of marriage and chastity for sexual and social health is affirmed in Islamic and psychological studies of religion.

Human chastity has two sensitive centers: the mind and the heart. The mind requires thought and awareness, while the heart requires love. If these two centers succumb to excess or deficiency—if the mind, in self-awareness, falls into ignorance, or the heart, in its love, becomes rigid or indulges in excess and corruption—a condition of “gender sensitivity” emerges, disrupting an individual’s balance and health, namely their free-spiritedness and self-restraint. Men’s reactionary tendencies, women’s isolationism, disregard for boundaries of intimacy, and excessive covering of areas not prohibited by religious law contribute to gender sensitivity in society, leading to extremes in interactions with the opposite sex.

To achieve balance and free-spiritedness, talents must be nurtured, perspectives elevated, and unscientific, temperamental restrictions and embellishments reduced, enabling society to act based on knowledge and will. For society to reach this maturity, non-scientific prohibitions and adornments must be minimized, fostering natural freedom. Just as Islam recognizes the marriage and customs of every community, it validates customary and popular attire.

Families should strive to instill chastity in members with inappropriate attire, as chastity leads to proper clothing choices. Marriage is the greatest factor in fostering individual chastity and purifying society. However, only a marriage whose operational conditions are carefully engineered and free from erroneous traditions, flawed customs, religious embellishments, or distorted beliefs can promote chastity; otherwise, marriage itself may exacerbate deviations. A properly regulated path of chastity, sufficiency, and proportionality facilitates chastity, cleansing complexes and regrets.

Marriage requires physical health, an appropriate age, sufficient employment and income, comfortable housing, mutual compatibility, a loving bond, ease of uniting with a desired and suitable partner, and accessible connection to them. Marriage is not merely physical intimacy or a superficial connection between bodies, nor should it be reduced to enjoying human physical beauty. Its true value lies in its lofty essence: the unity of two compatible souls, a loving and loyal bond. Healthy sexual relations imbued with love and fulfillment can strengthen faith in God.

Mutual Compatibility

For finding a compatible partner, the primary tool and source of insight is the initial glance and first impression. The role of the first glance and intuition in partner selection has been explored in emotional psychology and Islamic studies.

In the first glance at an individual, the heart has the capacity to discern their inner essence, rendering a judgment on their compatibility and degree of likeness, highlighting attraction or aversion. In matters of revelation and intuition, the initial observation is paramount, as the superficial, rational mind has not yet interfered, tainting or weakening it. Trusting this glance enables a truthful, successful, and triumphant family and shared life. The intended observation refers to perception in wakefulness. Observation has levels: the preliminary level is the enlightened, noble rational vision surrendered to the heart, while the higher level is “intuitive vision,” where what is perceived through enlightened, sacrificial reason is externally observed.

The arbiter of authentic inner similarities and true compatibilities is the “first glance of the eye.” Among the latent powers of the eye is its ability to make accurate judgments at first sight. The initial glance at individuals implants judgments in the observer’s core, unadorned by embellishments. This invaluable and unique capacity of the eye should be utilized for choosing friends, companions, and especially for mutual compatibility and selecting a suitable spouse for marriage. Scientific compatibility and understanding do not arise easily, requiring first an alignment of inner qualities and psychological states, followed by physical and bodily compatibility. Inner compatibility is achievable through the criterion of the first glance and initial judgment.

Vision and seeing are critical psychological matters. The eye, particularly in its first impression, is least prone to error. The initial glance at others is of utmost importance, and one must note what settles in the mind and heart. For example, if this glance highlights worldly allure, it suggests the individual is not without flaws; if it evokes love and affection, they may be a person of heart. If the individual is sinful, the eye gravitates toward darkness, implanting erroneous information and analyses in the mind, leading to ignorance. The first glance can evoke notions of force, oppression, cunning, deceit, bullying, affection, love, purity, or simplicity, embedding them in the mind. Children, like those untainted by darkness, have clear minds and quickly discern differences in individuals. Through the first glance, one can achieve accurate understanding of others, whereas speech is less reliable. In marriage, boys and girls are permitted to see each other, with less emphasis on their dialogue. A suitable spouse should be recognized through the eyes. While the eye may err, its judgment is significant because eyes cannot lie. The tongue can both err and lie, and the ear may hear falsehoods, struggling to distinguish truth from lies, but the eye is the criterion for perceiving human truth or falsehood.

Observations affect individuals, altering their state to joy or distress, especially since eyes are prone to wandering, debauchery, and indiscriminate gazing. Gazing at the Holy Qur’an, a scholar, greenery, or flowing water activates, softens, and engages the psyche and inner self with awareness and purity.

Prolonged eye contact accompanied by a smile can generate such captivation and attraction as to engender love. An individual who loves another focuses on their face, unable to avert their gaze, and in a natural setting free from factors like dim light, the lover’s pupils dilate in an affectionate gaze. However, one merely sexually attracted to another scans their body’s various parts. Those who focus on the face can love another romantically, while attention to the body signifies lustful desire.

The body and inner self are nourished through the eye. Thus, the greatest hygiene for the eye is protecting it from forbidden sights, the faces of immoral or sinful individuals, and directing it toward knowledge and wisdom, such as the sacred text of the Qur’an, the faces of true and holy scholars, and the beautiful, gentle visage of a spouse, which illuminates the soul and purifies the inner self.

Prolonged gazing at individuals with corrupt inner selves destroys one’s own inner essence, as their corruption flows through the eye to the observer’s core, akin to water’s moisture permeating even tightly sealed containers, reaching nearby objects and individuals. Avoiding companionship with or gazing at the faces of wicked individuals is a blessing and a source of felicity.

Human nature, instinct, and upbringing dictate that upon hearing a statement, one should see the speaker, identifying them to understand whom they are addressing. Only then can the words effectively influence the listener.

Women’s Social Presence

A woman who remains true to her femininity first cherishes the home. To preserve the family’s sanctity and earn her husband’s affection, she upholds the home’s dignity and manages it, engaging in roles specific to women and aligned with feminine traits. This is based on the primary principle that a woman is first domestic and then social, while a man is first social and then domestic. She avoids masculine roles and responsibilities, as her subconscious and self-care system recognize that this preserves her femininity.

In the division of family roles and duties, a woman’s primary concern is maintaining her feminine identity and excelling as a wife, prioritizing this above all else. Her societal presence aligns with her creation and innate disposition.

A woman’s character renders her primarily home-oriented and secondarily social, just as a man is primarily society-oriented and secondarily domestic. If either abandons their primary role—their center of gravity—they suffer psychological harm, as they engage in tasks misaligned with their innate disposition, moving forcibly and unnaturally, which erodes their humanity and exhausts them.

Nonetheless, a woman primarily manages the home’s internal affairs, and a man has no right to interfere in this primary role through domination.

Childbearing

Childbearing should be proportionate. Family-related matters are addressed in the fourth section of the second volume of the book *Divine Management and Policy*. Childlessness weakens spouses’ nerves, diminishing their sense of authority, fortitude, patience, and endurance. The impact of childbearing on mental health and family relationships has been studied in family psychology.

Child Rearing

The foundation of child rearing lies in compassion, kindness, humility, and gentleness. If a child is unruly or restless, one should not respond with aggression, coercion, or raised voices but convey the correct approach with humility, even through tears.

Techniques of affection, kindness, camaraderie, intimacy, confiding, and occasionally the wisdom of crying are the most effective means of disciplining and guiding a child. Indirect, affection-based rearing methods are endorsed in child psychology and Islamic studies.

A child’s talents are activated through sleep, nutrition, and play. Thus, a child requires proper sleep hygiene, healthy and varied nutrition, and diverse play activities they enjoy.

Admonition and Counsel

Admonishing or advising others without eloquence, evidence, or substantiation typically yields adverse results, fostering defiance, obstinacy, and contrary behavior instead of guidance.

Rearing should occur through metaphorical, allegorical, indirect, entirely voluntary, and engaging methods. Care should be subtle, unnoticed by the individual, lest it counter the educational objective. An example of the Qur’an’s indirect guidance is the following noble verse: “He who purifies it succeeds, and he who corrupts it fails” (Qur’an, Al-Shams: 9–10). The Qur’an does not speak of disbelief, oppression, or misguidance but, with utmost dignity, politely addresses the success of the faithful and the failure, distress, and regret of the misguided.

The Qur’an employs a positive approach in guiding people. For instance, virtues—popular and socially approved acts—are emphasized approximately fifty times more than vices in the framework of enjoining good and forbidding evil, meaning one vice is mentioned for every fifty virtues. The Qur’an exhibits scientific and powerful diversity in its guiding verses’ expression and rhetoric.

Divine expression is untainted by coercion, tyranny, obligation, or intimidation; rather, it enlivens all with love, drawing them to vitality, purity, joy, intimacy, wisdom, and affection, not to rigidity, dogmatism, ambiguity, lethargy, or obsolescence.