Conversations of Intimacy

Conversations of Intimacy

Bibliographic Information:

Author: Mohammadreza Nokonam (b. 1327/1948)
Title and Creator: Conversations of Intimacy / Mohammadreza Nokonam
Publisher: Islamshahr: Sobhe Farda Publications, 1393 (2014).
Physical Description: 120 pages; 9.5 × 19 cm
ISBN: 978-600-7347-73-7
Cataloging Status: FIPA
Note: Previous edition: Qom: Zohur-e Shafaq, 1386 (2007).
Notes: Bibliography in footnotes.
Subject: Islam – Various Topics
Library of Congress Classification: BP11/N8G7 1393
Dewey Classification: 297.02
National Bibliographic Number: 3674321

Foreword

Praise be to God, Lord of the Worlds, and blessings and peace be upon Muhammad and his pure family, and eternal curse upon all their enemies.

What is the correct way of spiritual journey? What does “reaching the goal” mean, and how can one sever attachment from worldly desires and find a heart that is open to divine grace? What are the methods through which God assists the travelers on this path?

Is the human being “complete” or must they “complete themselves”?

What does the spiritual traveler see during their journey, and which of these visions can they share with others?

The present work addresses these questions and others of a similar nature.

This book is a collection of speeches that were delivered in informal gatherings with some friends and colleagues at the Zohur-e Shafaq Institute, during breaks from scholarly work. As a result, the content is quite diverse, ranging from topics of spiritual journeying and mysticism to issues in the seminary of Qom, critiques of figures from the revolution, problems related to marriage and family, as well as perceptions of the unseen world, such as jinn and angels. The variety of subjects stems from the nature of the discussions.

And the final word is: Praise be to God, Lord of the Worlds.

Need and Lack of Need

The absence of expectation towards anything or anyone – which is complete “reaching the goal” – and not attaching one’s heart even to divine favors is a reality that can be achieved.

This statement is profound, complex, and very important.

Every person is “complete” and fully actualised, and should not wait for anything. Since they are complete, they must be careful not to neglect their own completeness. What is a person waiting for? Waiting should be abandoned.

We are waiting for nothing. We only respect the truth, and we do not lie idle before Him. This is not a difficult task. Whenever He says “run,” even though we know running has no purpose, we pretend ignorance and run. If He says “eat,” we eat in ignorance, but He is the one who strengthens us whether we eat or not. Sometimes, our actions might cause His heart to break because His heart is much more delicate than ours. Those who have seen the truth describe Him in this way.

Naturally, everyone knows themselves better than others, and referring to Hadiths that declare Shi’ah to be the best, we might say: “We are the best,” which is correct, but stating this is weighty and very difficult. Ultimately, goodness belongs to the one who possesses it, and this does not mean that one is better than others.

Sometimes, one might direct someone to a person whose spiritual level is much lower, yet God’s actions can take such turns, sometimes using an opposite method to bring good to another.

Spiritual Perceptions

If a person sees how great the truth is, they are constantly broken. “Every day He is engaged in a matter” (Quran 55:29); every matter is a form. Who is more broken than Him? There is no one more broken than Him. Truth does not come methodically with compasses and rulers, and no one can express it mathematically or clearly. Those who approach it with tools either are naive or troubled, and He desires it to be this way. Yet, some prefer their desires to the will of the truth, tolerating others’ positions for the sake of their perceived superiority, but such superiority is only valuable if one understands what true value is and its price.

Only stand firm in your own worth and say nothing. Whatever comes from the heavens, do not look at it; whatever you see, let it go. There is much to see, but the traveler should not acknowledge what they have seen. Those who speak of what they have seen are divided into two groups: some speak the truth, while others do not. The truth itself is visible, and the program of visible things is the truth.

Insanity and Spiritual Awakening

There was a madman who, whenever he was alone, would put his forehead on the prayer rug and repeatedly say: “You are the one, you are the one, you are the one.” A person who says “I am” has not yet breathed the breath of the soul. When they reach the breath, they will say: “You are the one, you are the one, you are the one…” Therefore, stand firm in your task; do not wait for anyone or anything, do not expect anything from anyone, nor go after anything. The expectation you hold is troublesome. What are you waiting for? Waiting has no meaning for a person. Whatever you wait for, the truth moves behind the veil and becomes even more absent, speaking to you from behind the veil, just as a father plays peekaboo with a child but does not do so with an adult. Have you ever seen a father play peekaboo with his father? Peekaboo is for children. If an elder did this, they would be mocked. Just be with yourself and disregard other matters. If you are nothing, stand firm in your nothingness. The truth does not possess you; the only thing He cannot have, which we possess, is this nothingness. Praise be to God, we have something He does not have. Stand firm in this.

The Stages of Monotheism

Monotheism has four stages:

1. Conceptual Summarisation
2. Detailed Conceptual Understanding
3. Summarised Application
4. Detailed Application

These four stages have both quantitative and qualitative contrasts. The conceptual summarisation contains many possibilities but lacks depth, making it compatible with denial. The detailed conceptual stage, by contrast, has fewer instances but greater depth.

**”The affliction is for the loyalty”: A description of Inan. After this, “the affliction is for loyalty” begins. An affliction that is not born out of hatred. If it is loyalty, what is affliction? If it is affliction, what is loyalty? Here, it must be said: affliction comes from love and friendship. The subject of love involves pain, burning, sorrow, and the sword, while debates and their topics are separate. This stage has attributes and, depending on whether the individual is the lover or the beloved, there is a difference. The seeker must possess qualities of courage, chastity, and knowledge. It is impossible for one who reaches this degree not to have these qualities. Anyone who fears a cat is not worthy of this path. Courage is the most important trait and stands at the forefront; a courage that also embodies chastity—courage that is voluntary and not just debate but a transaction. In the realm of stages, it is always a matter of transactions, not debates.

Debates are about sitting and painting on a canvas, but you wish to take the truth into your heart. To quote the wrestlers: you want to carry this lion on your arm; but no, even a bully can carry this lion on his arm, yet the seeker of this station stands still so that the lion can be placed on his heart. This is not an easy task; it requires placing a needle on your heart and carrying the lion on it. This is not the hardest stage; the next stage is. These are provisions, and it is possible that a seeker may die before reaching the third stage, or even before reaching the first. Not everyone is suited for the journey. If everyone were suited for it, they would be obligated to pursue it. The obligation is general. Just as one must perform the prayer, and if someone neglects it, they must make it up, the obligation remains. However, this matter is specific. The specific case does not aim to harm others or intervene in the general sphere. Therefore, once it exceeds the general threshold, the obligation ceases. This stage, if granted to someone, is granted; otherwise, there is no obligation to attain it.

It is possible that someone wishes to reach the third stage but cannot, because they do not have the potential for it, or they might have the potential and yet not reach it because obstacles prevent them. Sometimes we say: there was no potential, so there was no occasion; but sometimes the occasion exists, yet obstacles prevent one from reaching it. These two, although different in their nature, ultimately result in stagnation at this stage. For instance, someone with the talent for poetry but is illiterate cannot actualise the potential. So, these matters are provisions, and the best term for them is indeed “provisions,” even though “rizqati” is a colloquial term not used in proper literature. The terms “moulati” or “rizqati” are commonly used by people to mean “it is given to be taken.”

It is also attainable, but the path to attaining it has its difficulties and challenges, which form the “lovers.” For the “beloved,” abundant provision rains down from the heavens.

The Necessity of Understanding and Criticising Religious Figures and Revolutionaries

It is essential to learn what is necessary, but what is the need for things such as seeing jinn? If it is a desire, it must be abandoned. It seems that the science that is as obligatory and necessary as prayer is that which pertains to understanding the history of oneself, individuals, and situations.

Most people may not seek or need to know certain topics, but those who are exceptional should be aware of them. Although discussing these matters might not be appropriate, as they might lead to certain consequences, it is beneficial to understand them. For example, in the science of narrators (Ilm al-Rijal), if you wish to mention a trait of a prominent figure, it might have consequences that could harm the religion or the religious scholar, and thus should be avoided. However, for understanding religion and knowledge, it is helpful, as long as its consequences are managed and not used for personal gain or to discredit others.

In other words, knowledge should not have harmful consequences. If it does, it should not be discussed, as in that case, the knowledge itself is not reproachable, but rather it is the harmful consequence of that knowledge that should be avoided. However, if a community or group of people has reached a level of understanding where the consequences no longer matter, then the study of this knowledge can bring enlightenment, as it offers insight and growth, as in the case where they say: “This consequence of the revolution is not ideal, but this one is,” or “This revolution has developed such a problem, and it would be better if it were not there.”

On the Superiority of Prophets

It is necessary to analyse and break down the concept of “We have favoured some of them over others” and recognise the distinctions among the Prophets or the Infallible Imams (Alihimas-Salam). One must understand the differences between Prophet Jesus (AS) and Prophet Moses (AS). Moses struck a man with his fist and killed him, while Jesus (AS) is the epitome of beauty. What is the difference between these two statements? What is the greater spiritual and moral stature? To recognise the virtues of the Infallible Imams (AS), one must understand their hierarchy, as opposed to non-infallibles, where perfection and imperfection are relevant.

The Impact of Recognising the Infallible Imams and Prophets

Understanding the virtues of the Infallible Imams and Prophets, as well as the virtues and vices in non-infallible individuals, has a restorative impact on us. For example, if we knew how Imam Ja’far al-Sadiq (AS) lived during the occultation, it would help us, but since we do not, we often encounter difficulties. Therefore, criticism is not only permissible, it is essential. However, it should not be destructive, as it might lead to societal regression.

Criticism should not be used for personal or ideological gain, but rather for gaining insights and furthering growth. If someone were to criticise the actions or words of the Infallibles, it should be done with the understanding that the aim is not to tarnish their reputation but to learn from their actions.

The Understanding of Revolutionary Figures

One of the most prominent figures of the Revolution is Martyr Motahari. He was a deeply devout and hardworking man who remained a student until the day he achieved martyrdom. He never sought out personal gain or status. Even if he had become the leader of the Revolution, his character would have remained unchanged. He was not widely learned, and his intellectual scope was limited due to his environment. His reliance was mainly on two teachers: Ayatollah Khomeini and Ayatollah Allameh. If one were to critique his ideas—although they were aligned with the thoughts of Khomeini and Allameh—there would be problems.

Example of Scholars

I remember a particular teacher who had come to Tehran. He was provided with a beautiful mosque and house, along with a dairy farm, where he received milk, butter, and cream daily. He constantly tried to escape, saying, “They think I’ve come here to eat dairy.” He was searching for someone to deliver his teachings, not just to indulge in luxuries. Despite his intellectual brilliance, he felt distanced from the intellectual community, hungry for true academic engagement.

He was a learned man and very adept at explaining scientific matters with ease, possessing a vast body of knowledge.

For instance, Mr. Falsafi spoke for around seventy years, and everything he said has been published as books. Mr. Rashid, on the other hand, has a lasting influence. Even now, his books and sermons are studied in academic institutions, and because his speeches are profound, they are highly suitable for our society. However, the speeches of the late Mr. Falsafi are not of the same caliber, and the few books he wrote are useful for study. Spending a week reading his works is sufficient for understanding.

Rashid’s Similarity to Rumi

Rashid resembled Rumi in many ways. Rumi used to give examples in his Mathnawi, nurturing these examples in depth. Rashid had an excellent method of explanation. Sometimes he would elaborate on a single example for as long as half an hour, in a manner that was both clear and simple. If you were to account for Rashid’s speeches, they would be akin to the Mathnawi of Rumi, or perhaps even better, in the way he developed his examples. Although he did not employ poetic language, he would build upon his subject with examples, understanding that he was speaking to a wide and diverse audience, and indeed, he made efforts to ensure his words were understood. Perhaps his programme was one of the most widely listened to, as everyone was eager to hear what he had to say.

His speeches were clear, impactful, and he always made his points with examples. If his tapes are not used today, it is because the temporal context has passed. His words were perfectly suited to a time of stagnation, but now that our society is more dynamic, his messages are not as relevant. For example, today’s high school students are far more informed than those reading Daneshmand Magazine thirty years ago, a publication that once wrote about him as an intellectual. Of course, Daneshmand Magazine was very important and would not easily write about someone unless they had merit.

Criticism: Focusing on the Issue, Not the Person

Words have an impact on one another. At present, my style is similar to his, and I sometimes think my style is my own. Perhaps my style is influenced by his; even if his was better than mine, his influence on me is evident, just as if my style was better, it would affect him. All these things leave an impression.

What I want to emphasize is that we should not be overly concerned with trivial details in such matters. A person once told me that I speak beautifully, but because I criticized this individual, I am in the wrong. But if a person does not engage in criticism, what should they do? We are here to critique so that others do not accuse us of doing nothing. If we have shortcomings ourselves, then criticizing them is wrong; therefore, when we see a flaw, we must intend to correct it and offer constructive criticism—not to degrade or undermine the person, for that would be a sin, a kind of sickness. However, if you inform someone that something in a book is incorrect, for the sake of improvement, that is very beneficial. If they become upset, even inwardly, it signifies stagnation and a lack of growth. A person who is stagnant is selfish, whereas a civilized person is not.

A retrogressive person is one who would prefer to have a mistake, as long as no one points it out. They are like someone who wears outdated clothes, and when they make a mistake, they don’t want anyone to point it out. If they are criticized, they feel humiliated, and that indicates their weakness. True strength lies in not feeling humiliated, regardless of the criticism, because great individuals, no matter the adversity, remain unshaken and unbothered.

Value of Sincerity

Sincerity has great value. Once, I was visiting a patient in the hospital, and someone said something that disturbed me greatly. The person responsible there, a cleric, told me, “When I see you, I think of the Prophet.” I was deeply troubled. I thought, “How could this person, who has no prior connection to me, say something like that?” Despite this, his kindness towards the patient was evident, and I was struck by the goodness in his heart. I do not know what has moved him to be so kind, but it is clear that goodness still has a place, and we must continue to pursue it.

Issues within Religious Institutions

One of the significant issues in our religious institutions is that many of our scholars continue to voice old, outdated ideas, remaining stuck in the past. They focus on what people in the past said rather than addressing the realities of today. They may have forgotten or are not concerned with the present environment. The exchange of knowledge between religious scholars and academics is incredibly beneficial. One can learn something even in a café. However, rather than opening the door for academic discussions and allowing scholars and intellectuals to share their critiques, some scholars close off, rejecting those who attempt to challenge their views.

This behavior stifles the potential for intellectual exchange and impedes the growth of both religious and academic communities. When someone comes to engage in dialogue, whether misguided or not, it is not appropriate to shut them out or treat them disrespectfully. The intention should be to engage, guide, and help them, not to belittle them. When scholars close their doors to criticism or interaction, they limit their own intellectual development.

The Role of Scholars as Fathers of Society

Religious scholars should act as the fathers of society. They must be compassionate and concerned for the well-being of their community. If a person goes astray, the scholar should feel sorrow and concern, much like a parent who mourns for a lost child. This is a fundamental aspect of the role of a scholar. When a scholar or a religious institution neglects this responsibility, the entire community suffers, as they no longer serve as compassionate leaders.

As scholars, it is essential to engage with all people, including those who may be misguided or who disagree with you. Excluding them or treating them with disdain will only perpetuate division. Instead, we should provide a welcoming and respectful environment where they can share their thoughts and possibly be guided back onto the right path.

In Conclusion

In today’s world, religious scholars and intellectuals should not be concerned solely with the quantity of followers or supporters. They should be more focused on creating a space for genuine dialogue and intellectual growth. This requires openness, compassion, and the willingness to engage with diverse perspectives. The ultimate goal is not to reject or silence others, but to foster understanding and development through constructive criticism and mutual respect.

The Vision of the Mystic

Every gaze I have cast, I saw that You were there.

Every good and bad deed done to us, You are the one who has excused.

In this passage, the mystic sees the Truth in all things. In every mirror he looks into, he sees himself. There is a distinction between mirrors: some are tall, some small, and others are tilted; some reflect clearly, while others merely show the hand of the person gazing into them. This is to say that every time the mystic gazes into a mirror, he sees that it is not truly himself. At one point, the mystic declares: “Every gaze I have cast, I saw that You were there,” implying that only the Divine Presence is truly reflected, not other figures. The mystic looks at one mirror and says: “Perhaps this one is faulty,” but when he looks into another, he still sees the same presence. Thus, he concludes that the fault lies not in his sight, but in the mirrors themselves, which all reflect the same essence. The significance of this poetry is deep and requires careful contemplation, for understanding even this single line can be arduous.

Everything is from God

Now that You are everywhere, You have excused every good and bad action done to us. If a person has engaged in trade or achieved something, he did so by His will. How can one attribute actions to anyone else, especially when God says: “I have not done this; there was no one else but You to do it”? Thus, this becomes a matter of self-inquiry. If someone claims, “I have done it,” and another says, “No, You have done it,” the mystic reflects on whether the actions were truly done by anyone else. The second verse acts as a clue to how the first line should be interpreted. “You have excused every good and bad deed towards us,” suggests that these actions do not originate from anyone other than the Divine.

The phrase “excused” implies that good and bad deeds are in fact direct manifestations of God’s will, yet they are seen through human experiences. These verses explore the idea that good and bad cannot be separated; to understand the good, one must accept the bad. It is akin to acknowledging that although one’s actions may appear beneficial to others, they may actually lead to personal loss or hardship.

The Similarity of Poetry to Creed

These poems are not mere expressions but represent fundamental beliefs. The poet speaks from the heart, and years later, those words may find their place on a gravestone, demonstrating that the essence of these beliefs transcends time and place. “I composed a poem thirty years ago, and today it is written on a tombstone.” This reflection points to the timeless nature of the mystical vision and the profound connection between the poet’s experience and the universal truths he uncovers.

The Significance of the Poetry’s Decline

Two hundred curses and two hundred divine maledictions fall upon the arrow
That slipped from the hand of the archer.
My heart was taken, and it took away my mind, leaving me void of all remembrance.

Here, the poet contemplates the arrow that was released by the archer. The loss of his heart and mind indicates a profound transformation, one that leaves him disconnected from the past. The poet curses not the archer but the arrow itself, for it is the instrument through which his heart was stolen. This suggests that the force of divine will, represented by the arrow, is beyond human control and understanding. The mystic, when faced with loss or hardship, contemplates its deeper significance, understanding that even in moments of despair, the divine is at play.

Criticism and the Greatness of the Individual

The ability to accept criticism is a sign of greatness. It is not important whether the person being criticized is offended; rather, the true test is whether the individual is willing to understand and accept the criticism. The ideal response is not merely to acknowledge one’s flaws, but to embrace them and find joy in the process of self-improvement. Such humility marks true greatness.

The greatest individuals are those who can listen to criticism and accept it, understanding that no one is perfect. In contrast, those who resist criticism or dismiss it out of fear reveal their own weaknesses. True greatness lies in the capacity to accept imperfection and learn from it. It is also important that we maintain fairness and empathy when offering criticism, so that the process of growth can occur without causing harm to others.

The Weakness of the Human Condition and the Qualities of Great Individuals

If a person is adamant about proving that no fault lies with them, it reveals their own weakness. They fear the implications of their imperfection and thus attack others, striving to present themselves as innocent. On the other hand, those of greater character do not react defensively when criticized. Instead, they recognise the value of criticism and see it as an opportunity to evolve.

In society, the ability to accept and reflect upon one’s flaws is seen as a virtue. Such individuals are not afraid of appearing imperfect, but are instead committed to the process of self-improvement and to the welfare of others. Therefore, understanding criticism and applying it to one’s life is a noble trait that leads to personal and societal advancement.

The Challenge of Writing

Sometimes the value of a piece of writing lies not in its completeness, but in its ability to spark further contemplation. Writing in a concise, rough, or incomplete manner may be a deliberate choice, a way of presenting a framework for deeper discussion. In such cases, writing slowly and in great detail may be unnecessary, and might even hinder the flow of thought.

The Irrelevance of Time in Matters of Faith

If religious scholars fail to adapt to the changing needs of their time, they risk becoming obsolete. Their knowledge, while profound, may lack practical application, thus hindering their ability to address contemporary issues. Knowledge must be dynamic and responsive to the present challenges faced by society, rather than being static or based solely on memorised texts.

The Impact of Society’s Lack of Adaptability

If scholars cannot adapt to the evolving demands of society, they cannot effectively serve as leaders or problem-solvers. This limitation is not due to a lack of intellectual capacity, but rather the failure to apply their knowledge in ways that are relevant to current circumstances. The challenge is to bridge the gap between abstract religious knowledge and the practical needs of the community.

The Importance of Balance in Addressing Social Issues

In response to societal challenges, the key is not simply to impose rigid moral frameworks, but to create systems that address the real needs of individuals. For instance, the imbalance between supply and demand in social services, such as housing or marriage, must be addressed in a way that balances individual freedoms with societal welfare. Economic disparities should be resolved through systemic changes that promote fairness and justice.

Marriage and Social Responsibility

The complexities of marriage go beyond personal desire or attraction; they involve a series of social, cultural, and economic considerations. When an individual seeks to marry, they must understand the implications of their actions, both for themselves and for those they marry. Personal responsibility in the context of marriage requires both the ability to make informed decisions and the strength to uphold commitments.

The Challenges of Marriage in the Modern World

Society’s approach to marriage often places obstacles in the way of those who wish to marry, with various cultural, familial, and financial expectations weighing heavily on the process. These pressures make it difficult for individuals to make meaningful, lasting commitments. The mystic, however, sees marriage not as a set of conditions or rituals, but as a spiritual bond between two individuals who are united by love and shared purpose.

A Knockout in Conduct

Some women possess such authority that if a man does not submit, he will suffer the consequences. However, a woman’s authority is a sign of a man’s authority, and he must assert his own. In any contest, an opponent always observes the strengths of the other to avoid being knocked down from there and to find his opponent’s weakness to exploit. In wrestling, a gentlemanly approach involves identifying an opponent’s strength and using it to bring them down. This contrasts with American gunfighters who toss their weapons aside and say, “You drop yours too,” only to shoot when the opponent complies. A true man of virtue never exploits another’s weaknesses but instead uses their strengths. God does the same with His servants. The most virtuous of men, even more so than Imam Ali (peace be upon him), is God. He never exploits anyone’s weakness. He identifies an individual’s strength and uses that to bring them to the ground, and we must learn from this lesson.

A true man of virtue never exploits weaknesses, just as God’s actions are rooted in virtue. The truly noble men and saints of God follow His example. As I’ve mentioned, exceptions are rare, so rare that they are almost nonexistent. The general trend in different professions—whether politics, leadership, or otherwise—is that people often exploit the weaknesses of others. In espionage and intelligence work, they seek to identify individuals’ weaknesses in order to use them as leverage.

The Authority of Women in the Home

If you tell a woman that she has power and authority, and that you intend to break her, a conflict begins because you do not have the strength to do so. A woman might say, “I am the queen of the house, the power and command are mine. What are you saying? If I were outside, my strength would not reach you, but now I am at home.” Therefore, we should avoid arguing and instead tell our wives, “We haven’t fought, we are submitting to one another. Whatever authority you have at home, it is yours and it will not cause any issues.” The problem often lies here. For example, when my son is present, I won’t sit in the driver’s seat because he is a better driver. However, if I don’t give him the car, how will he learn? He won’t become a good driver without the opportunity. So, how much authority should a woman have, and to what extent should it be subdued? It is necessary to let go of authority to the extent that we can.

If someone says, “I have a wife who is domineering and strong-willed, I must break her,” they are foolish. God has blessed you with a strong-willed wife, why undermine her? Use her strength to your advantage. Any threat made to you ultimately returns to you because this is your territory. Any harm inflicted on her will harm you, and the mistake people make lies here.

The smallest harm that comes to a woman, whether it be old age, blindness, illness, or physical damage, ultimately affects you. In fact, you are hurting yourself out of selfishness and obstinacy. Now, you are a master with ten students. If you break them, you have harmed yourself, but if you nurture them, you have elevated yourself. A person who is inexperienced might think that undermining their students, their wife, or children is a sign of strength. This is a misunderstanding. It is not the case that men are infinitely free to do as they wish. Yes, in situations of defiance, there are calculations to be made and these must be followed.

When you cannot climb somewhere yourself, you must extend your hand to someone for help. That person is your wife or companion, whom you need.

The Ownership of Authority

Any authority that a woman possesses is ultimately a reflection of the man’s authority. Women have no inherent authority of their own. The assumption is that she has authority in areas where you allow it. In such cases, her authority is not hers; it is merely a subcategory of the man’s authority. Whatever authority women or children have is still ultimately for the man. For instance, when a wrestler from this country travels to the United States, competes, and wins, the president also celebrates, even though the wrestler has put in the effort. However, they say, “This is our country, we trained him, and his victory is our pride.” They are right to say so.

The leader is the one who elevates people, not one who humiliates them, as this would be the act of a tyrant, who, fearing his own weakness, continuously degrades his people. He says, “You don’t understand, you are bad, you are nothing.” Humiliating others is unacceptable, as stated in the verse, “So he reduced his people to contempt and they obeyed him” (Quran, Az-Zukhruf, 54). A true leader does not debase others; instead, they inspire them.

The Meaning of Leadership

Management is essentially about tolerance. I have always viewed management in this way, and I feel embarrassed by any other interpretation. Aside from imitating God, no imitation in this world is genuine, and all other imitations are empty. The imitation of God’s ways is sweet, even when one falls, for their defeat is sweeter than any victory. However, any victory that does not reflect this truth is more shameful than any disgrace, unless one has no sense of taste.

We must strive not to harm or distress our wives and children. We should not feel that if our wives and children grow, we become smaller. On the contrary, we grow when they grow. Hence, we must observe the principles and rules of life. A person who has a significant age difference with their spouse is no different from someone with no such difference; this is a universal rule. A person’s age difference does not always define compatibility, but compatibility is more than just age. It can exist despite a large age gap, or it may be absent despite only a slight age difference. What truly matters is how we raise and educate others, and that this education brings growth.

Men’s Superiority in Three Aspects

There are three areas where a woman should be subordinate to a man: knowledge, age, and wealth. Though no one explicitly says this, and there is no hadith that mandates these specifics, experience and psychology suggest that generally, it is better for there to be a five to six-year age gap between husband and wife. However, this is not a rule set in stone, and such arrangements can vary greatly. In some cases, a woman with a much older husband may have a harmonious marriage, while in others, this gap may not work. Despite the statistical evidence that many divorces involve educated women, it is not because education is the root cause. Instead, educated women are less likely to be manipulated and are more likely to resist mistreatment.

The Cause of Misunderstanding

It should not be assumed that the cause of divorce is the oppression of men. Rather, it is often the inability of the woman to submit. For instance, when a woman says, “I don’t have moral compatibility with this man,” and upon questioning, she responds that he wants to go somewhere while she doesn’t, she has not understood the concept of obedience in marriage. Divorce statistics show that these conflicts often arise among highly educated individuals who cannot align their expectations.

A woman with higher education often feels equal to her husband in terms of intellectual capacity, which may lead to tension. The idea that women with more education lead to higher divorce rates should not be taken as evidence that education is a negative factor. Instead, the truth is that educated women are simply more assertive, refusing to accept oppressive situations. Education empowers women to make informed decisions, including seeking divorce if necessary, but this is not a sign of societal failure. Rather, it is a sign of personal growth.

Education and Submission

Education does not automatically mean submission to authority. A well-educated woman will recognize the difference between exploitation and a reasonable submission in a relationship. However, if a man uses his strength in an oppressive manner, a woman may resist. The relationship must be based on understanding, empathy, and mutual respect. When these elements are in place, submission and compliance are not forms of subjugation but are part of a healthy, balanced relationship.

Opposition to Separation from One’s Wife

If a person lives in his own city, and his wife and children are at home, but he does not sleep in his own house, he is not considered a noble person. A noble person is one who, as far as possible, does not sleep apart from his wife and children. If he is travelling, that is a different matter. However, if he is not a traveller and resides in his own city, then sleeping away from his wife and children without any reason is far from being noble. If someone says, “Since it’s late tonight, I want to sleep at my sister’s or aunt’s house, or I’ll go somewhere early in the morning because it’s closer to this place,” this is not the conduct of a noble person.

Of course, I am referring to the common, everyday circumstances — that is, when a person sleeps away from his wife and children without any legitimate reason. Unfortunately, society does not have such a culture and does not consider it a flaw. It’s as if everyone is expected to sleep on the road. It’s very bad when a man and woman sleep apart. The husband sleeps in one room, and the wife in another, with one sleeping next to the children and the other with a pillow. These practices are all problematic. One might say, “It’s bad, and I feel embarrassed,” but this culture is wrong.

The Character of the Prophet (PBUH)

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) says, “I am the best among all of you, and no one behaves better with women than I do.”

A woman may sometimes make a mistake. Therefore, the Prophet advises: “If a woman acts wrongly, forgive her.” Just as one should not say “uff” to one’s parents, one should not utter it to a wife either. These teachings should be included in educational curricula so that people do not mistakenly believe the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) was a patriarchal figure. Narrations should undergo thorough research, and only those which can be defended rationally should be presented, leaving other narrations to the researchers.

Concerning the command to enjoin good, we should limit ourselves to what is likely to be accepted. We should not provoke, irritate, or harm people with the words of the infallible ones, to the point where they become disillusioned. When quoting any narration, we should consider whether we can defend it or not. Narrations that are critically problematic and whose meaning is difficult to understand should be addressed in comprehensive volumes. For example, the household requires management, whether the manager is a man or a woman, but both cannot manage together. On the other hand, a man is naturally more farsighted. The rational approach is that both should assist and share the responsibility of management. However, this does not imply that women are irrational, nor does it suggest that a woman’s intellect is flawed. Rather, if a woman demonstrates wisdom and prudence, the narration does not imply that a woman’s words should be disregarded or that “oppose them” means to engage in negative actions.

Drugs and Exercise

The filthiest and most degrading substance is smoke and tobacco. Worse than that is a person who seeks such substances, and even worse, someone with knowledge who indulges in them. Only a weak person would turn to such substances. If one is weak, one should engage in exercise, go to the mountains, wrestle, or expel energy in some other way. Everyone can exercise, though the type of exercise should be suitable for each individual.

If someone were to come to my library, they would find sports equipment as abundant as books. Even if the space for exercise is a two-metre room, it’s enough; even the kitchen, or less, could serve. When weakness and lethargy take over, a person becomes incapable of functioning. It’s like a stone breaking another stone — it’s the stone that should crush the human body. This is why a person must engage in physical activity regularly to prevent the onset of laziness, as well as the harmful effects of smoking and tobacco.

A wise and healthy person — whether religious or not — detests smoke. This is not a matter of compulsion, but of the body’s need for clean air. I quite like hookah because it bubbles, has fire, smoke, and water. The best smoke, I’d say, is the smoke of hookah, especially when one is tired. However, once I start smoking it, I get a headache, even if I change the tobacco.

Cigarettes, and generally any form of smoke, ruin the breath and health, leading the soul away from vitality and preparing the body for weakness, intoxication, and various other problems. Instead of smoke, one should adopt something beneficial that they enjoy. If a scholar smokes, it diminishes their standing in the eyes of the people, let alone indulging in opium. I once told a man, a very important person, that he believed smoking opium was permissible. I said, “My dear, if you smoke, you won’t be free because, if someone challenges you, it will be the end of you.” It may happen that a scholar has to sacrifice their life, go to jail, or endure physical punishment, but a person who smokes will not be able to withstand such challenges.

The Nature of Spiritual and Supernatural Phenomena

In the complex path of life, one must always maintain balance. It is not an issue if someone does not know the truth about angels, jinn, or other supernatural matters, but one must remain logical and reasonable. One should not chase after extraordinary claims as they may lead to fate-changing consequences. The realms of spiritual perfection are so vast that such matters do not occupy a significant place in them.

I was a student of Ayatollah Haeri. The late Sheikh was a very pious man. Imam Khomeini, who had the honour of being his student, once said to me, “The Sheikh was not concerned with these matters; he focused on purification, integrity, and righteous deeds.” Now, we see those who are obsessed with these matters are often imperfect and unhealthy, sometimes begging or committing fraud to obtain money. Anyone who is truly powerful does not need to beg for money; instead, money is at their disposal.

Neglecting True Perfection

We are negligent. We see many forms of perfection but fail to appreciate them, while we chase after things that are beyond our reach. For instance, someone may wish for a characteristic you possess, but since you already have it, you don’t value it. This lack of appreciation is a flaw and a denial of blessings. Someone with good manners or patience should be admired, but because such individuals are commonplace, they are overlooked. However, if it were said that a certain king is far away, people would be willing to travel just to see him. This illustrates how people do not value what they already possess.

Gratitude for Existence and the Regret for Loss

A person should seek goodness and perfection and re-evaluate what they already have, rather than disregarding it in search of what they do not possess. When something is lost, one regrets having taken it for granted.