Patriarchy or Matriarchy

Patriarchy or Matriarchy
By Mohammad Reza Nekounam

Publication Details
Author: Mohammad Reza Nekounam, b. 1327
Title: Patriarchy or Matriarchy
Publisher: Sobhe Farda Publications, Qom, 1393 (2014)
Physical Description: 48 pages; 11 x 21 cm
Series: Works Collection; 52
ISBN: 978-600-7347-49-2
Price: 20,000 Rial
National Bibliography Number: 3678017
Subjects: Marriage, Interpersonal relationships between men and women
Dewey Decimal Classification: 306.872
Library of Congress Classification: HQ801 / N8S8 1393

Preface

Praise be to Allah, Lord of the worlds, and peace and blessings be upon Muhammad and his pure family, and may the eternal curse be upon their enemies.

The theorizing of women’s individual, family, and social issues is one of the significant challenges facing both our society and the world today. Unfortunately, most theorists present philosophical, social, and political theories about women without a true understanding of their personalities. This has always been a philosophical issue for me, and I have spent many years reflecting on the psychological and emotional traits of women. Over this time, I have encountered problems that some have presented in consultations, which this book briefly discusses. All these cases stress the point that issues related to women require extensive studies based on religious perspectives, which is notably absent in our society.

For instance, should a woman always obey her husband? To what extent should this obedience go? These questions and many others, briefly mentioned here, represent a small part of a more extensive research study on women’s issues that could potentially span more than ten volumes. This collection aims to introduce the real character of women systematically and scientifically to today’s intellectual community.

The article “Aesthetics in Women” introduces some of the characteristics of women from an aesthetic and psychological perspective and explores their existence and being.

Patriarchy and Traditional Male Domination

More often than not, women greet men first, and only occasionally do men greet women. It is rare for a man to greet a woman, though this behavior is often observed in films. But are men really like this? And what harm is there if, God forbid, men greet women? On one hand, it is suggested that women should not greet anyone, and on the other, it is said that it is improper for men to greet women, while still other opinions suggest that a woman should greet her husband.

Many men, through greetings, commanding, and criticizing, act in a way that benefits them while placing restrictions on women. Consequently, 90% of women are dissatisfied with their husbands, and even those few who are content, do so only because, when comparing their husbands to others, they feel that their husband is, at least, somewhat better than others.

Is religion patriarchal in its teachings? Never. These are practices derived from ethnic and historical traditions. The Holy Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) delivered numerous teachings on this matter, and understanding them requires detailed analysis and careful reflection.

More often, men dominate women. A man says, “Go there!” She responds, “Yes,” then he says, “Don’t go there!” She replies, “Yes.” The man can go wherever he pleases without objection. In the past, women were physically beaten with whips, and while this practice has reduced somewhat, it still occurs today in different forms, sometimes even in the dead of night, when a man threatens, “If you make a sound, I’ll stab you.” Such men are not only cruel but unworthy of having a woman as their partner.

It takes significant effort to prevent men from exerting such force and humiliation upon women. Unfortunately, many women live in fear and anxiety due to their husbands’ actions, sometimes burdened with the heavy responsibility of their husband’s addictions. How many women suffer due to their husband’s substance abuse? Women are often concerned about where their husbands are, with whom they are, and what they are doing. No monotheistic religion supports such a reality, where a woman must be constantly concerned and watchful of her husband’s behavior. This is not the role of a wife; it should be the responsibility of the man to care for his wife.

When men act this way, they certainly do not deserve unconditional obedience from their wives. The intellect and reason of human beings dictate that obedience should be to a wise and righteous man, not to one who is abusive or sinful.

Sometimes, it is believed that certain women are the most oppressed figures in history. These women face questions and challenges that seem impossible to answer. They often feel obligated to obey their husbands to avoid defying religious teachings, even when their husbands do not deserve such respect. On the other hand, some women act improperly and are not worthy of respect, but our focus here is on the majority of women in Iran.

It is often claimed that men are naturally superior to women. What does this claim truly mean? One characteristic of men is their dominance. However, some women exhibit similar behaviors, standing firm in opposition and refusing to accept what men impose. When a man asserts his dominance, some women feel compelled to act in a similar manner, thinking that only by adopting such behavior will they avoid further oppression. A woman once said that she remains silent and suffers because her husband does as he pleases, but when she threatens to expose him publicly, he pleads with her to stop.

If a man has the virtue of not dominating his wife, he belongs among the best followers of God’s saints and prophets. If a man lacks this virtue, no other virtue he may have will be of value. Some traditions suggest that goodness is found within the home: “The best of your men are those who…” and emphasize that men’s behavior outside of the home is not a measure of their goodness. Men who dominate their wives cause them to become frail, anxious, and eventually worn out due to constant distress and tension.

When a man exercises dominance, God will send someone even more powerful to dominate him. This is a fundamental truth, and the more a person dominates the innocent, the more someone stronger will be sent to overpower them.

Sometimes, two families work for years to establish a life for a young couple, and the man and woman involved often have no idea of the kind of life they will lead together. It seems as though two rulers are preparing to live together. If a man does not have a spacious house, he should at least behave in a way that when he asks his wife whether she would like to separate from him, she says, “No” from the depths of her heart. Yet, some women feel so pressured by their husbands’ behavior that they would rather live with a dog than stay with their husbands. Many women even wish for death because of their husband’s cruelty.

Addiction

One woman shared that her husband would bring a drug addict into their home to use opium together. She told him, “I can tolerate anyone coming to this house, but not this man. I fear his addiction will destroy our lives.” The husband, however, responded by saying it was none of her business who he invited, as the house belonged to him. Such attitudes demonstrate a disregard for the well-being of one’s spouse, showing a clear disregard for the principles of care and respect within a marriage.

Conclusion

Religious teachings should be examined deeply. The idea that a woman must always obey a man—particularly one who is sinful—is not aligned with the core principles of Islamic teachings. The core of obedience is respect, love, and mutual care, not blind submission to a man who does not honor these values. Religion demands obedience from women to men who act justly, not those who live in sin.

What is Currently Necessary for Religious Scholars, and What Must Not Be Overlooked, as It Could Lead to the Loss of Religion

Mulla Sadra, a great philosopher and scholar, has written extensively on the concepts of “essence and existence.” However, despite all of his family members being around him, he did not write even four pages about women. Would it not have been better for him to write a book on women instead of elaborating on “Usul al-Kafi”? A philosopher must be alive, must live, and must engage with living beings. If one investigates who and how in Islam has written a book on “women,” all of these individual treatises are deemed weak and rudimentary. No one has written a comprehensive, extensive, and dedicated work on the subject.

Why don’t we feel a sense of duty? What is all this effort for, and what are we defending? Are some things not obligatory in an absolute sense? It seems that no one is able to organise such research properly. At least in the area of understanding women and their related issues, thinking is very difficult. If resources were available, writing two hundred volumes on this topic would still fall short. Yes, two hundred well-written books are needed to solve the global problems of women, and if someone were to skip their post-prayer devotions to focus on this, it would be quite reasonable; let alone abandoning other things. However, unfortunately, this sense of duty is not seen among researchers.

I believe that duties of the spiritual realm are harder to grasp, whereas material duties are more immediately understandable. For instance, it is easier to remember that it is Friday and that it is appropriate to delay the midday and afternoon prayers. But matters like writing a book on understanding the character and needs of women do not easily come to mind. The afternoon prayer is a tangible, understandable obligation, but philosophy is not something one easily grasps—it is harder to understand. I feel that the real problem lies here: people who are willing to sacrifice their lives to defend religion, do not recognise what is urgently required in our present circumstances. The lessons we are taught, if not put into practice, are worthless. A person who mistreats their wife and children is, in a way, worse than Saddam Hussein, because he treated his wife and children well and went fishing with his daughter. In fact, some should feel ashamed in comparison to Saddam, who said, “I have committed many injustices and killed many, but when I return home, I am a kind father and husband.”

Mutual Respect

A couple who were both educated came to me with a dispute. The husband was older than the wife, but the wife’s educational achievements surpassed his. They wanted to determine who was right. During the conversation, the wife said several times, “You don’t understand! Let the scholar speak!” I replied, “Madam, in my opinion, you are at fault, because no matter the social status of a man, if a wife faces a prophet, she must honour her husband. You should not say to your husband, ‘You don’t understand!’ and dismiss his opinion in front of a scholar.” The husband is the one who should be respected, regardless of his education. When a person is educated, they should be humble, like a fruit tree that bows under the weight of its fruit. Even if you are educated, you must not flaunt it or belittle your husband.

The same principle applies to the respect due to women. The husband should also honour his wife, never belittling her for the sake of his mother, sister, or brother. Each should be respected in their rightful place, and one should not compromise that respect for another.

The wife accepted that she was wrong and acknowledged my point. Afterward, I explained to them, “Now, let’s see who is truly right.”

The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) says: “If anyone were to be commanded to prostrate to anyone other than Allah, I would command the wife to prostrate to her husband.” The Prophet did not say, “Prostrate to me,” because the respect due to a husband is different in nature to the respect due to the Prophet himself. A woman desires to love her husband, even if he is not lovable. If a woman says, “I do not love my husband,” it is likely that the husband has some issues that need addressing. Sometimes, the husband may overcompensate or try to appear superior, which indicates deeper emotional struggles.

Beauty and Aesthetics in Women

A woman is a being who, in her beauty, also carries ugliness. She encompasses both all that is good and all that is bad, embodying both good and evil forces.

She is a creature that produces innumerable lives and nurtures them. Her role in the world is complex—she is both the origin of beauty and the root of all moral corruption.

A woman is both the best companion for a man and the guide to many forms of deviation and error. Paradise lies at the feet of mothers, and this mother is a woman. Many mothers will carry this paradise beneath their feet as they journey towards eternal bliss, though it is crucial to acknowledge that the woman’s role as a mother makes her unique in the spiritual sense.

A woman, through her strenuous efforts, becomes a mother, teaching her child the qualities of growth. In doing so, she reaches the highest peaks of spiritual and moral development. Through motherhood, a woman attains an exceptional status, symbolising the spiritual heights she has attained. However, the same woman can also bring hell to her own life and bear the consequences of her actions alone.

Contradictions and Paradoxes

Women possess dualities, as evidenced by revered figures such as Fatimah (PBUH), Mary, Khadijah, and Zainab (PBUH), who stand as paragons of virtue, in contrast to women like Aisha, Jodhah, and Hind, whose actions have tarnished the reputation of women.

Women, despite their profound beauty, are among the most perilous beings. At times, they captivate and enchant, while at other times they repulse and reject. Were it not for this duality, men would likely worship women.

Feminine Power and Vulnerability

Women, although representing the best aspects of beauty, are also the most vulnerable and subject to manipulation, and the forces of temptation often prey upon them. A woman’s power to captivate any man is unmatched, yet it is important to recognise that she is often the most easily deceived herself. Few men can fully meet the intellectual and spiritual rights of women, and as a result, many relationships suffer from inequality and injustice.

Women are often the victims of exploitation and oppression, yet their significance cannot be denied. A woman’s true value is not merely in her appearance, but in her capacity to mother, nurture, and preserve humanity.

The Lie of Men

Although men have said many lies about women, they have always been unfaithful and enslaved by them.

Men often say that women are like this and like that;
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But in reality, it is something entirely different. Women have always been exploited by men, both in the home individually and in society collectively.

No ideology other than Islam has ensured justice for women; although implementing the teachings of Islam in corrupt societies is nothing more than a mere illusion.

Islam states: a woman is neither a purely domestic being nor a purely social being; rather, she is a domestic-social being, and conversely, a man is a social-domestic being. The entirety of the plan and method for establishing the authenticity of women lies in the execution of this principle.

Men benefit more from women than women benefit from men, and this is the very motive for corruption. The oppression of women reflects the degradation of men, a degradation that exists, to some degree, in the male gender. Women are beings of patience; otherwise, with the amount of injustice they face, no man would remain alive.

Any woman who cannot make a man captive to her will inevitably become enslaved to a man. Once a woman is trapped by a man, she no longer requires other forms of restraint, for this alone becomes her chain.

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A man, through prolonged interaction with a woman, becomes emotionally exhausted and depleted, while a woman, through prolonged interaction with a man, becomes both emotionally alive and aged.

The natural causes of separation between men and women, such as menstruation, childbirth, and various bodily fluids, are a blessing for women. Although they are beneficial for men as well, for if these separating factors were not present, women’s lives would be much shorter, and this brevity would result in a kind of breakdown for men.

At times, a woman may be deprived of her natural rights, which is one of the most significant causes of societal corruption.

The boundary of progress and development for women depends on how men utilize them, and this is yet another great injustice done to them.

Many men, consciously or unconsciously, develop a form of sadism towards women, falling victim to the disease of modernism and promiscuity in this regard, which is the ultimate consequence of this illness.

Women possess distinctive qualities that make them lovable, unique, and remarkable. These qualities differentiate the female gender from the male.

Types of Women

The classification of women presented here is based on the discussion of women themselves. However, men also have many such divisions that should be addressed in due course.

Women come in many types, and each woman is representative of a certain type. Few women are devoid of both outward and inward virtues, though it is common for each woman to possess certain aspects while lacking others, both in terms of external beauty and inner goodness.

Few women can be found who are beautiful and flawless; although in terms of spiritual virtues, one may not place too much trust in them, which is in accordance with divine wisdom.

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Few women are truly beautiful in an absolute sense, for many display various imperfections in their beauty. Often, a certain type of beauty reflects a lack of content, suggesting that a woman might be beautiful outwardly, but inwardly lacking. A woman may be beautiful but have significant flaws in her beauty, such as an imperfect nose, mouth, eyes, or other features. Those familiar with such nuances will notice these shortcomings. In any case, the majority of people are aware of these issues.

In sum, women are sensitive and needy beings, although they do satisfy the needs of men. However, the opposite side of this should also be considered—men themselves are not always perfect. These general principles also apply to them, or rather, one could say that both women and men are blessings, and Allah has created a beautiful structure that He Himself delights in. “Blessed is Allah, the Best of Creators.” However, one should not overlook the fact that certain individuals, especially among women, might possess traits that make them almost impossible to be understood or appreciated, despite their undeniable beauty.

Divine wisdom dictates that if all women were good, noble, beautiful, and worthy, men would be left with no purpose, leading to their misguidance. Likewise, if women were completely lacking in virtue, they would remain unprotected, unsupported, and unrewarded, and there would be no survival for humanity. Men are not self-sacrificing enough to bear the burdens of women without need. Therefore, all these elements are the result of divine wisdom, and the question is when a person will find themselves in a specific position to realize these divine purposes.

Women’s Cosmetics

Cosmetic adornment for women and the profession of beautification, which gives women their adornment, is not inherently problematic unless it involves prohibited actions. For example, if a beautician uses cosmetics for deception, fraud, or the promotion of corruption and immorality, their work is forbidden. However, if the purpose of beautification is the well-being of the individual and society, then neither the act of beautification nor the use of cosmetics is problematic. Even for young unmarried girls, if their adornment does not cause harm to their body and does not create sexual arousal or harm to society, it is permissible and even commendable.

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Of course, procedures like hair removal and tattooing, which are beautifying but involve some pain or harm, are permissible if done with a beneficial intention and do not involve corruption or deception. If such actions are done for a husband or for oneself and are reasonable and rational, they are permissible.

Men’s adornment is also permissible, provided it aligns with masculinity and does not resemble women’s adornment inappropriately.

Adornment in areas that are hidden from non-mahram (unrelated) individuals, such as the face and hands, is clearly permissible. If the adornment on the face and hands is not excessive or unusual and is common and acceptable, it is permissible. However, if it leads to temptation or provokes inappropriate desires, it is forbidden. Even though the face and hands are not subject to the requirement of covering, adornment is an addition to the natural form of the face and hands and is therefore restricted.

Regarding marital relations, inflicting pain or discomfort for pleasure, such as scratching, pinching, or biting, is permissible if it is consensual and does not lead to psychological or physical harm.

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Various forms of enjoyment between husband and wife are permissible, provided they do not cause physical harm or injury.

It is impermissible for a man to imitate a woman in actions or circumstances specific to women, and vice versa. Similarly, a woman should not imitate a man. Even if this imitation becomes normalized, it is still prohibited.

Exaggerated femininity or masculinity, if done with fraudulent intent, is also impermissible.

Creating a resemblance between men or women for the purpose of promoting a false image or causing undue temptation is forbidden. If this involves a deceased person, it is forbidden if it leads to dishonouring or tarnishing their reputation.

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For example, wearing a moustache or beard, which was once considered forbidden due to its association with Jews and perceived opposition to Islam, no longer carries that meaning today. It may simply imply being a dervish, and as long as there is no religious conflict with Islam, it is permissible, unless there is a strong, documented reason against it. It is always advisable for both men and women to present themselves in a manner that reflects dignity and spiritual well-being in society.

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, it is reiterated that significant efforts must be made individually, within families, and at a societal level to address the many existing issues regarding women. This requires careful attention and should be approached with caution, avoiding extremes and imbalances.